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Curiosity.

Posted by Viktoria Michaelis on September 27, 2010 in Personal |

One interesting follow-on has come from the festival, one which I hadn’t exactly expected. It has more to do with V than with me, but I am pulled into the whole merely because we are together. V has suddenly found that she has far more friends in the school she attends than she supposed. These friends – who are more acquaintances as far as I can see – have begun to hang out with her during the breaks between lessons and invite her to visit them or go places after school and at the weekends.

I’m not sure what to make of it yet, but I can see two main reasons for the change. The first is the change evident in V herself: she is friendlier to other people; she completes her schoolwork on time and in an orderly fashion; her grades have improved; she has begun to dress respectably; she doesn’t bite the head off anyone who comes near her any more. To say that she has changed for the better, not only her schoolwork but also her whole character, is something of an understatement. The rebellious, hate everyone and everything teenager has vanished and been replaced by her inner character; a person interested in life so long as it doesn’t bore her. One of the reasons she found much of her life and surroundings boring was because it was all to easy: she is an excellent student and an handle all of the schoolwork she is given with ease. Because she was so far ahead of her school colleagues and held back from advancing further, she took on the don’t care, don’t want to know attitude which marked her up as a failure for many people. The teachers failed to recognise someone who should be pushed on and held her back.

Her home life didn’t help matters either, where she could do next to nothing right and should always remain in the background: silent and unnoticed.

The second possible reason is the change that others have seen in her relationship to someone else, that someone being me. I know V has mentioned her friendship, if not her intimacy, with me in the school and that she is in one of the happiest phases of her life. I also know that she didn’t say that ours is a Lesbian relationship. None of the people she goes to school with are, or were, close enough to allow such a conversation or, in a sense, such a Coming Out. It is possible that several of the women we saw during the Festival, when V openly kissed me and I slipped my fingers between her legs, saw what she intended them to see and drew the only possible conclusion and, since it is fashionable here to hang out with other women and to at least appear bisexual if not practically Lesbian, she has found some form of resonance here.

How long it will last, whether they are merely fair-weather friends, remains to be seen. At the moment she is enjoying the limelight without really taking it, without basking in the added attention she now receives. Not everyone has entered her select circle of friends; some were more than vicious to her during her bad years and this has not been forgotten.

The result for me is a certain level of fame, if you can call it that. I am the Lesbian who has turned V away from the straight and narrow, away from men in particular, and brought a certain level of stability and security into her life. I am the building block, the stepping stone upon which at least the next few years will be built regardless of what happens with our relationship over time. I am also the unknown element, the foreigner from a completely different culture with an air of mystic and strangeness about her: many of the women in the school have talked of their desire to enter a student exchange program or go to the USA as an au pair and live the good life, as they see it. Many have heard the tales – both good and bad – of what can be experienced in the States and wish to experience it for themselves. I am the personification of this dream, of the entire country.

And my circle of friends appears to have grown too. A few of those who live in this town have taken to greeting me in passing and there has even been the hint that an invitation to one or another party might be on its way. Being a reasonably private person – this Blog excepted – this is a mixed blessing with both good and bad sides. I don’t really want my private life interfered with or people prying into my doings. At the same time it would be good to have other women of my age to chat with, to hang out with and generally to mingle with: that’s the way it was at home and, to a certain extent, I have missed that form of intimacy, of friendship here. It means sharing V with other people when not on an intimate level at least at a lesser one; less time with her alone because someone has dropped by or she wishes to go shopping or hang out with a few of the others, either with or without me.

Not that I am jealous. I think I wrote earlier that she is still a girl inside and this womanhood she has discovered through her relationship with me has caught her on the hop, taken her by surprise. At our age it is almost expected that one changes partner at intervals; that one is replaced by another with scarcely a break in-between. It is part and parcel of the growing and learning process. I am still growing and learning too, although I have a wealth of experiences V can only dream of at the moment, and our intimacy came as a surprise – especially the intensity of it – to me too. I keep expecting the fire to burn out, and I daresay it will one day, but am grateful for what I have now.

In my own way I am also happy that V has found new friends or, perhaps better, re-found ones she had before or didn’t realise that she had. Secret friends and admirers: women who were jealous of her taunts and rebelliousness but didn’t have the nerve to go the same way themselves. Women who were, or are, jealous of her perceived freedom to do whatever she wished and, largely, get away with it. Not that I want any of the others to follow the same path V did, but I can see it in their eyes. And I also see this questioning look from some of them: would they have the nerve to go to bed with another woman?

Love & Kisses, Viki.

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