Posted by Viktoria Michaelis on July 31, 2011 in Q&A |

I’ve been thinking a little bit about this man (not in the way that you think!) who accused me of lacking in experience. I suspect the main reason he made the accusation – aside from the fact that he was commenting on the fact that I am a Lesbian and he thought that, at 19, I shouldn’t have made up my mind yet – was that he at 19, now he’s 43, hadn’t managed to collect the same quantity and quality of experiences as I have over the last year. How, he seemed to be asking, could I possibly know so much about myself that I am capable of making such a life-long decision over my sexuality and, let’s be honest, it is a decision which should last for life.

Then again, thinking about it, I wouldn’t call it a decision either, more a revelation than anything. We all have such revelations, a sudden burst of light in our minds which explains so much, but few really act upon such enlightenings. Can a person really form their entire life at such a young age? I think the answer is Yes, a resounding Yes at that, and even earlier. We begin learning about ourselves and our surroundings from the moment we are born, if not whilst still in the womb, and everything we learn, everything we experience shapes our future lives in one form or another.

I was inclined to ask him my set question, one which I reserve for all those men around the world who ask me why I decided (!) to become a Lesbian and whether I have ever been with a man before, since men are clearly so much better and once I’ve been with a man … well, you know the rest. The question is: have you ever been with a man?

Now, most men get really upset when I ask them this question, as if I am denting their pride or making allusions as to their manhood. The thing is, if they’ve never been with a man – in the sexual sense – how do they know for certain that they are made for love with women? How can they tell?

Of course they can’t tell, using their own question and answer tactics, because they’ve never experienced it. And if they turn round and tell me such an idea is practically blasphemous, well, if that’s the case, why should I want to be with a man? Why should I go through the experience of trying something they haven’t tried themselves?

For some men it is quite easy: a woman is made to be with a man and a man with a woman. They’re quite happy to watch two women playing with one another – assuming perhaps that they’ll be allowed to join in and, yes, I’ve had that offer too – but don’t want to accept it as being a person’s true nature. They can accept their own true nature – with the limitation that they’ve experienced nothing else – but refuse to accept that of anyone else.

Going a little bit further now, how old does a person need to be before you can say that they have any experience of life? I know people who are in their thirties and forties back home in the States who’ve never even left their home town. There are probably hundreds of thousands who have never visited another State. What about all the older people who didn’t finish High School, are they all experienced because they’ve reached a certain age, or do they lack experience because of their life choices? Can a 19 year old who has visited many other States and travelled abroad, has graduated school and is about to go to college after a full year working for a high profile company in a foreign country be called inexperienced?

Fine, there are many, many other factors which need to be taken into account. A person can be experienced in one particular field but have absolutely no knowledge of another; they can have travelled overseas, but only from one beach resort to another; they might have graduated and then done nothing else with their lives at all.

A five year old could be called experienced, apart from age, from their life in society, in Kindergarten, travels but not in an adult sense. When do we start being seen as an adult, or does it depend upon which State we live(d) in? The man, by the way, comes from Germany where an adult is officially eighteen.

I know, more questions than answers. Perhaps someone can help me with a few of their thoughts, not too much philosophy perhaps, but some of their experiences and their opinion. It would be interesting.

As to me, I believe that I have considerably more life experience than this German man gave me credit for. I also believe that I can make my own decisions about my sexual orientation at any time in my life, no matter what others may think or believe. Whether I tell anyone else about these decisions, well, that is another form of experience, and trust.

Love & Kisses, Viki.

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  • Katie says:

    Just an awesome post. Honestly I never had to think about, come to grips with, decide I was a lesbian. I just knew I was and I always did. There was a time it pissed me off when guys asked how I knew but I dont let it bother me anymore.

    You are right about age and experience too. A good example an older man might understand is joining the military, going to war, and being back home all before you are old enough to buy yourself a drink.

  • JT says:

    We project so much of ourselves onto others. Funny how we turn into children when we don’t get our way. When a man is faced with the “lesbian block” from a woman he is interested in, he always falls back on the default response “have you ever been with a man?” Like a game of truth or dare, he tries to bait your “prove it” response. Either way he wins because he gets what he wants – to bed you. IF you play the game.

    I have known I was “different” since I was five, having fantasies about girl friends long before I even understood what “it” was all about. Since five I have desired my own sex. Did I encounter the default philosophy? Yes. Did I bite and prove that I was lesbian…. No. I never had to try men to know I did not want to have sex with them or be with them. Men are okay. I have some very good straight male friends, but I don’t want to be with them in any romantic, sexual, or otherwise up-close-and-personal way. I’ve had the opportunity. I just didn’t want to.

    Not everyone “knows” at the same time about their sexuality. Many times it’s a constant change of life. For others it just takes time. And for a few, they just know. Age is irrelevant. Experience is irrelevant. They just know. End of story.

  • JCbrah says:

    Most 19 year olds talk about things like this. Because you are at a point in time in which you are being treated a certain way. When I was 19 I was on top of the world and wanted to be validated. I worked for the largest company in my industry, was making a lot of money and had a good amount of work under my belt, I had moved across the states, etc. As I got older I realized that at the time I was doing these things, I needed to feel validated by them. As if there was a difference between having a life and being alive. As if having more experience in life somehow made a person more, or a better, human. Part of this is that you are coming of age where you are allowed to make your own decisions, you haven’t made all of them yet, but you are now capable of doing it, but from everyone else you are still teetering on the brink of childhood and adulthood. Of course you’re going to be inexperienced… But that’s part of life. The thing is, is that there is infinite experience out there, life is about the journey and you should never stop learning. To be worried that you haven’t learned enough or as much as someone else, is to deny the nature of life.

    There is also the fact that just because you are somewhere, doesn’t necessarily mean you are actually experiencing that place. The only way to continue to get better at something is to continually acknowledge that you are in-fact not experienced at it. What if we decided we were experienced enough in life after having learning basic language skills? We would have a bunch of grown babies running around the world, tawking wike dis. Just because you turned 18, saw someone from outside your hometown, or graduate highschool, it doesn’t mean you have somehow leveled up in life and are master level experiencer.

    • viki says:

      Learning is a life long experience, it should never stop, but to say that a person – at 19 – hasn’t enough experience to decide their own sexual orientation, and that is what sparked this small post, is wrong. It doesn’t validate anyone – not that everyone needs validation in everything, although it helps – just belittles them. How can a man tell me I have no experience on the basis of one message and my sexual orientation? I call that a lack of experience in social skills, but he hasn’t come back to hear that reply yet …

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