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Jealousy.

Posted by Viktoria Michaelis on November 22, 2011 in Q&A |

The question is whether my lover – or I for that matter – get jealous; a question that I can well understand, as I am sure you can too, when you read through the various posts that I publish here.

Yes, we both most certainly do experience jealousy, but not necessarily in the form that my questioner imagines. We can be mildly jealous of a good looking woman who has found exactly the right clothes to wear; jealous of someone who has won the lottery, jealous of someone who can afford a big car or house with hardly any effort at all. Perhaps we’re also jealous, in a completely different way, of those who have achieved success in their lives, through the own doing or inheritance. Jealous of one another – her of me or vice-versa? No, not in that sense.

One of the wonderful things about our relationship is that we both accept we have secrets from one another. Secrets can be a good thing in a relationship, just as much as they can be a bad thing. It is a case of knowing what is good and what not, of knowing what to hide and what to be open about.

When it comes to sex – and that is the brunt of this question – or relationships with other people, we have few secrets from one another. Much of what I do, of what we do, is shared. If I happen to be online chatting with someone in an adult manner – an intimate adult manner – the chances are that she is there too or, if not, that I will share my exploits with her later. She does much the same. This sharing, either together or later, can be a great turn on, an added bonus when it comes to playing around, to playing with one another.

It would be a completely different matter, I believe, if we kept a relationship with another woman secret from one another. If we physically met up with another person without mentioning it in advance, without discussing it with one another. I don’t mean the cup of coffee in a street café kind of meeting, but the hopping into bed and doing the dirty kind of meeting, the unfaithful kind of meeting. Neither one of us has that form of secret from the other – as far as I know, perhaps I can only speak for myself! – but I trust her, and trust is a very large part of any relationship.

I do know people who have this kind of secret from their partner, and even one person who has relationships but doesn’t keep it a secret; mainly because their relationship is built on a different form of mutual trust. I can also understand why some people feel the need to keep such relationships – the bit on the side, a love affair or whatever – as a personal secret. It has a lot to do with knowing the other person, with needs and desires, with knowing that you cannot do something with your partner that is possible with this other person. Sometimes secrets are there to prevent pain, to keep a form of stability in a relationship. Sometimes they are there because someone isn’t brave enough to admit the truth, or fears that what they already have, that which they don’t wish to lose, will be lost should this secret ever come to light.

And I also have the feeling that a certain amount of jealousy is good for a relationship; it keeps it alive when it is the right kind of jealousy. The ability to do something special, or to have achieved something in life which the other hasn’t managed but tries for.

As I say, our relationship is based as much upon love as it is upon trust and sharing. So, when you come across stories here of things that I have done, things that I dream of doing, you can be certain that she – my lover – already knows, before I publish them here. You can be certain that she has either taken part, or was present. You can be certain that we have both had a good deal of intimate fun.

Love & Kisses, Viki.

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4 Comments

  • Francois Demers says:

    A clever bit of mental judo. You start by posing the question of jealousy but then answer about envy (clothes, lottery, things other people have…)

    This seems to be going somewhere (your recent posts Dreams and Trying it for Fun) and I admit to wondering what can be the effect of a blog like yours on the person in your life. After all, she cannot be everyone you find desirable (and I am aware of the fact that no person can be all the persons that another person bla bla bla).

    Speaking of The Fog and other horror films, have you seen “Eyes Wide Shut”? It is an allegory, of course, on the pain we can inflict on others by not keeping secrets.

  • François DEMERS says:

    Hm.
    Envy is disliking others because of what they have. Jealousy is anger at what we have being shared or even wanted by others. They are linked but jealousy is much more destructive.
    From what you write, you may not be jealous or envious. Just covetous.

  • laowai2 says:

    Jealousy, security and trust are all closely linked. If someone is insecure due to lack of self confidence they might think their partner is always looking for someone else, consequently being suspicious of any contact with another man/woman. Most people have some insecurities, which I am sure leads to jealousy at some time in a relationship

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