Initially I wanted to write on another topic suggested to me in a mail, but my thoughts began to go much further than what had been suggested because, for me, there is far more to the subject than a few lines can hope to answer. The original question concerns love and sex: whether it is true that women are more attracted to men (or other women) sexually when they are in love, or when they feel love whole men tend to follow more animal instincts, where love plays a much lesser role.
I, too, have heard the story that women are more likely to have sex with a person that they love than with just anyone and, to a certain extent, I think this may be true but not in every case and not every single time. There is, I believe, a much closer relationship involved between love and sex for women but, with changing attitudes and society, this has fallen back a great deal. In the times when women were considered to be the homemakers, the partner who cared for the house, children and all that went with it, this may well have been the case. Today, though, we have considerably more women working in high level and stressful jobs where the time available to build up a relationship is no longer there. The job market – glass ceiling or not – has opened up over the last few decades as many companies see that a woman can achieve the same results as a man, sometimes better. Women work the same hours and are subjected to the same pressures as their male counterparts and, as a result, have less leisure time, are more likely to go out and seek sexual pleasures on the run, as it were, without any real lasting connection to their chosen sex partner.
The one night stand is no longer the prerogative of men, it can be initiated in exactly the same way by a business woman passing through town on a trip, or at a conference, or just for a little light relief after a full working week. Love, in such cases, takes very much a backseat in the whole.
Even so, for women love does play a very major part in a sexual relationship. The interaction between male and female, on a sexual level, is far more complex. Perhaps the need for security is no longer in the forefront as it used to be but, for many, it is still there. The number of women in high ranking, demanding jobs is still relatively small but growing constantly. Maybe the relationship, one night stand or whatever, has little to do with love, but if a loving feeling is there, if the feeling that their partner cares for them to a certain extent is there, then it is more likely to be a success – no matter how long it may last – than if no such feelings are there.
For a man the quickie, the wham-bam sexual experience remains; women, however, need a little bit more than that. They require longer to get going, need more feeling to achieve their high point, more concentration, more variety. Of course there are also exceptions: it is quite possible that some women achieve sexual satisfaction through a quick sexual adventure, one with a little bit of danger or risk involved. It is also quite likely that some women can turn themselves on to such an extent prior to the sexual act that they achieve orgasm, or a feeling of sexual satisfaction, within a very short period of time. Each person is an individual, each situation different.
My thoughts on the subject now go considerably further, because I have considered what I feel and how I react to other people. As you all know, there are certain women who really attract me, whose appearance is enough to get me hot and bothered and more than a little bit ready for some intimate action. I some ways, I am told, my reactions are the same as those of a man. When I see a woman as attractive as in my first photograph, my interests are almost instantly awakened, my senses activated, my mind begins the process of preparation.
For me, however, there is a little bit more involved and thus the title of this post: Talk to my Mind. We’re not talking about love, we’re talking about a certain intellectual reaction here. I have no doubt whatsoever that an exceptionally beautiful, sexy, willing woman would be able to find her way into my bed even if she had absolutely nothing in her head but shopping and her newest hairstyle. A sexual adventure behind the bicycle sheds would be no problem whatsoever, if we were both at the same level of sexual excitement and the moment was right, but nothing more than that. In normal cases, where I would meet up with someone and the process towards the bedroom – or wherever – was longer, a certain mass of grey cells is of vital importance. Some people, myself included, can be turned on sexually by a good intellectual argument, a discussion, a deeper conversation.
For women the sexual act is also a mental activity. Obviously I cannot speak for all women, there are exceptions just as much as there are bound to be exceptions in the male population, but there are some things which can replace the feeling of love that many associate with sex. The bonding doesn’t have to necessarily be on such a level, it can also be an intellectual bonding, a feeling that the person is right on a different level and that any relationship, outside of the bedroom, contains the right associations for two people to get along together. There are conversational needs involved, a feeling that two people fit together even if this fitting together is only to be for a few hours, a day or two.
There is a need, as far as I am concerned, for a certain level of compatibility. Lust and desire play their part, no doubt about that, but so do many other things. I can happily look at a beautiful woman and let my imagination run wild, but for actually take that first step, to approach and see whether more is possible involves more than just that initial desire, that spark of lust. I am more likely to be attracted to a beautiful woman if she is browsing in a bookshop or library, if she shows some form of intellectual ability. At the same time, when I am in the right mood, I can be drawn towards a beautiful woman who is just shopping for clothes, but on a completely separate level. I don’t push my lust down into the shadows of my being, it plays just as much a part in my character as any other feeling or sense, but it has more to do with the imagination and flights of fantasy than anything else.
I think that many women might possibly feel the same if they are honest with themselves. The need for love, even in a short sexual adventure, can be reinterpreted as something else. It may well be easier to consider love as the over-riding factor, but that, for me, shows a lack of understanding of the self, a failure to appreciate personal needs and desires. Attraction is considerably more than love, it is a wealth of other, often hidden emotions which well to the surface and which, if someone isn’t used to the sudden rush, could be misinterpreted or, through a lack of better understanding, bound within the confines of a feeling of love or, even worse, a need for love.
The best sex, as far as I am concerned, doesn’t have a great deal to do with love at all. The best sex has more to do with emotion, lust, openness and, also, danger, the feeling that you are taking a risk. It has a great deal to do with compatibility, even if that compatibility is a short-lived or temporary thing. Emotions and desires can change with the wind; what is right one moment can be completely the opposite a short while later.
And I’m not talking about guilt here, that is a completely different subject altogether. I’m not talking about regret after the fact either. Neither of these play a part in our decision to take a chance unless we are lacking in self-confidence, in bravado, in a willingness to take the risk and seek out, find, the right partner for pleasure. Because, in the end, it comes down to pleasure rather than anything else. Of course there are other considerations which need to be taken into account – security on very many levels and suchlike – but the main aim is to gain sexual satisfaction, to achieve that highpoint, to reach orgasm and satisfy our needs.
Love can play a very important role in any relationship – and one shouldn’t forget that there are also very many levels of love – but it doesn’t need to be present every single time. Our society has been changing constantly over very many centuries, evolving and expanding, and with it the expectations, desires and demands of everyone who plays a part in life. There is no reason to suppose that love must now play a part in the sexual act, it is good when it does for a longer relationship, but it isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for a good relationship on every single level.
Love & Kisses, Viki.