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Apes And Worker’s Rights

Posted by Viktoria Michaelis on April 22, 2015 in News & Opinion |

It was a close-cut thing, but for a few hours the US justice system really showed what it is capable of. It’s not enough that they fight over whether a woman can wear red shoes on a Sunday, or a man can tether his giraffe to a street lamp, now we have human rights – in the form of Habeas Corpus – for chimpanzees detained, against their will, in a university research center. Well, as I say, almost. The judge has since amended her judgement and removed the Habeas Corpus clause. It was a close thing, though, and the follow-up, had this judgement remained on the books, would have been interesting.

Worker's Rights

Photo Source: The Busy BrainCreative Commons

If an ape of any sort is considered to be covered by human rights and a successfully served court order results in their release from detention, no matter where this detention may be, these apes are probably eligible for massive damages to compensate them for their time in captivity. I’m sure that there is a lawyer somewhere in the US who would take the case…

Now look at it another way: the university claims that the apes were working for them, and not held in captivity. We are now either faced with slavery, since it is unlikely that the apes will have been paid a living wage over and above their boards and lodgings. The court order could well result in the university letting them go or, in other words, pink slipping them: firing them. Since the loss of their jobs is clearly not of their own doing, the apes would be eligible for welfare. In order to gain welfare, the apes will need to have a social security number and a bank account, since no one really likes going to these paycheck companies which charge so much. If the ape goes to the right bank to open their account, they will be given a free firearm…

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