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Increase Your Sales Tenfold!

Posted by Viktoria Michaelis on May 14, 2016 in Internet |

My mail spam filter is good. Despite having to set it up again when I moved from one computer to another, since few software companies have yet come up with a sync program or a means to transfer such information from one computer to the next – unlike Firefox and some aspects of Android. Even so, the filter works and I did not receive the first two – of three – spam mails I am going to make fun of today.

They all come from an Internet company which claims it can, through an advertising program, increase your sales tenfold. A wonderful idea which probably appeals to many business people, until the cost of such a program is taken into account. My dealings with this company, however, didn’t get to the cost stage at all, and for good reasons.

Hi Webmaster,

I was on viktoriamichaelis.com today and we’re very interested in pursuing an advertising partnership with you.  Are you free for a phone call sometime this week?

Best,

Larissa

Most people will be able to see the problem at once, especially when it comes to working with this website.

Call Center

Photo Source: GreyweedCreative Commons

Larissa, if that is really the spammer’s name, calls me Webmaster. Now, I do not have a problem with being called such, but do not think that anyone who is in the business of marketing themselves or their product should use it. Why not? Because it shows clearly that no research has been done. My name is very clear, on every single post and, of course, in the site name too. It can’t be that hard to put two and two together, especially if someone really was on the site. Since there is also no request for a telephone number, I should be able to assume that the person writing to me has done their research and has the number already; perhaps from a business registry? In this case, however, everyone who knows anything about me, and it has been mentioned many times over the years, also knows that I do not answer the telephone, and that for very good reasons. So, clearly no research, a Cold Call Mail.

Hello Webmaster,

Last month, over 100 [redacted] partners earned 10X their previous revenue and tracked a 40% increase of site engagement.

We last left the discussion on how implementing our technology on your site can help you earn more revenue.

You can also learn more about at [redacted]

Cheers,
Larissa

Here we go with the figures, but still not addressed to a person by name. No research. And we last left the discussion? I don’t think so. Discussion implies that several people are actually talking one with another, and that is certainly not the case here. There was also nothing in the first spam mail about implementing technology. So, a non-discussion with no content.

Hello Webmaster,

I haven’t heard back from you and that tells me one of three things:

1. You’re already making so much money that making more does not interest you – and if that’s the case please let me know so I can stop bothering you.
2. You’re still interested but haven’t had time to get back to me yet.
3. You’ve fallen and can’t get up – in that case, let me know and I’ll call 911.

Please let me know which one it is because I’m starting to worry. Thanks in advance and looking forward to hearing from you.

Cheers,
Larissa

This final mail attempts to put a more personal, humorous slant on the whole, and goes so far as to include the first two mails which I had not replied to, or seen. If we really were in some form of conversation then it would fit fine, we might almost have formed a business relationship, which would make such comments more appropriate. However.

Am I making so much money that I don’t need to make any more? Let’s do the Math. This is a non-commercial site with no advertising and creates an income of nothing. Ten times that income would hardly be a staggering increase in revenue.

Am I still interested? I wasn’t interested in the first place.

And the humor. Yes, fine, if we knew one another the little joke about calling 911 might border upon acceptable. The most basic of research, however, would show that I am in Germany, and the number for the appropriate services is 112.

Spammers have a long way to go before they reach the dizzy depths of telemarketers, who at least have a telephone number and a name to go with it. But my spam filter is a little like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors, and we all know what it said.

  • Viktoria Michaelis.

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